The book I'm not reading

(If you read my last post, let me first say that all I have been able to think of all day is "Jingle, Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle..." and so on and so on (and on and on). Is it time for the Christmas Musical yet?)

(second aside: the girls just told me that the grandfather of one of their friends died and the family is going to the funeral. "That's sad," I said. "But now he is in heaven with God and Jesus," says Kaylie. "That's good news," I said. "That's very good news," says Kaylie. I love moments like that.)

Anyway, on to books. Over the past few months I have started reading alot again. I have always loved to read, but as work and family and life have taken over, I found I was doing very little reading for pleasure. The girls, on the other hand, were always reading, and I was getting jealous. One day, when I was wishing that I could just sit around and read, I decided that I could if I just made time for it. And I did and, whaddyaknow - I do have time to read! Then came the challenge of finding something good to read. I would go to the library and stare at the books, wishing you really could judge a book by its cover.

Suddenly, thanks to the internet (oddly enough), I have now found myself with more books to read than I have time to read. My Visual Bookshelf on Facebook gives me recommendations and I can peek at my friends' shelves on Shelfari and see what they are reading that sounds good. And I get newsletters from the library with new and interesting books that are out.

What frustrates me is when I get a book from the library (especially when I have been on a long waiting list), and I get it and within the first few pages if not first few paragraphs, I know I cannot read the book. I don't want to live in a bubble, but I don't want to fill my mind with that much that is so contrary to my world view. There is only so much you can overlook without starting to feel you are making a compromise. It is just disappointing when a book sounded good and probably would be without some of the language and other references.

This has me thinking about Aaron's sermon last Sunday from Jude and an analogy he used about the ice. A very good analogy. I would like to read said book because it sounds entertaining and it is relevant to the culture, but I do not want to become so immersed in the culture that I fall through the ice. It is a delicate balance. And so very important to not go to one extreme or the other.

So maybe I am living in an isolated world, maybe I am just too weak a Christian, but I have another book for the stack of books I am not reading.

More

God is so good. Not just in the He loves us and takes care of us way, but in the super-secret agent, knows our every move way. Get this... (sorry, but it is kind of long)

Last weekend, Jim and I were at the store looking at luggage. Now, we don't travel a lot, and we already have luggage: multiple suitcases, duffle bags, even a garment bag. But at least one of the suitcases is the old school hard sided avacado-green kind that I think originally was my great-grandmother's. NONE of the suitcases are the cool ones it seems everyone else has now with the handles and the wheels and all the gadgets. At a conference I traveled to last fall, I felt like the only one with pre-historic luggage. So here we were, lured by a plethora of 50% off signs, looking at luggage we did not need, probably could not afford, definitely did not have room for in our home, but wanted. While we were eyeing (oh yeah, and purchasing) a lovely, spruce green American Tourister 5 piece set, with wheels, expanding sides, telescoping handles, all the works, we discussed sound that Jim was running the next day at church. "What's the theme this week?", I asked. "I can't remember," says Jim.

Next stop, Sam's Club. Tricia wants a new phone. Plain and simple. I was tired of my plain Jane cell phone and I wanted bells and whistles. I had always said in the past I wanted cheap, I did not need a phone that would bake a souffle, I just needed to make calls. But now I wanted fun. (Are you catching all the "I"s and "want"s?) So we get a cell phone. Which again we did not need and was probably going to end up costing us more that the small fee we paid to switch now that I can do so much cool stuff on it. (I will say, in my defense, I did not get the phone I really wanted (Blackberry Pearl), because then we would definitely have ended up spending more money in the end). Oh, and while we were there, I bought 2 books. One of which I already had at home from the library and had not read yet. But I wanted a copy of my own. Again at Sam's the subject of the next morning's message came up. Again, neither of us could recall what the sermon was to be centered on.

And did I mention the items I bought at Target before all this?

So Sunday comes, we get to church (early, early as Jim is on sound), I grab a bulletin and on the cover I see that the sermon is on...More. As in the character assassin of More. As in More dragging you down and messing up your priorities and your spiritual walk. As in More clouding your judgement and your thinking and you buy books and cell phones and then arrive at church the next day and remember you still haven't bought your peanut butter for the drive you were supposed to be organizing. As in More causing you to have who knows how many suitcases and whatever elses "just in case" when you know very well you will never use that many, someone else needs it more, and if you do need one you don't have God will provide it. After all, isn't that what you preach to your kids all the time? See, didn't I tell you God is good!! It blows me away that He knows on that day I am going to need to hear that message - one that has been on the calendar for months.

This is a long post and as such probably breaks a lot of blogging rules, but this is probably one of the assassins with which I struggle the most. Because we don't tend to have a lot of money and I am a pack rat, it is more on the saving up things side, than the spending side; but if we had not made some of the spending mistakes we did, we would have more flexibility in our budget.

I am so bad at saving things "in case" I might need it. I tell myself it is being frugal and wise, as it would cost money to buy a new whatever. But I wonder if it pokes holes in one of the most important lessons I want to teach my girls, and that is to trust that God will always, always take care of them no matter what. Not to be afraid, not to fear, but to have faith and know that whatever the situation looks like to us, God is in control and we must trust Him. It hit me Sunday that perhaps I am not so much practicing what I preach when I hoard so many things. I am thinking storing up treasures on earth can be different for each of us - one man's trash is another man's treasure. We say we are a "pack rat" because it doesn't sound as bad, but I think looking at why we are hanging on to things will help define what we truly are. God looks at the heart and He, of course, is the one who counts.

I don't think saving is bad in and of itself - but if it is keeping us from being able to give or from being able to fully trust God, then we need to make some changes. I know I do.
Pray on.

Fear

What are you afraid of? Today's sermon was on fear, which is always a timely message. I thought it was extremely cool that 365 times the Bible says "Fear not" - one for every day. How cool is that? I thought I would try to list what I am afraid of to see if that would help let some of it go. I think, except for my kids, I don't worry about the big things, it is the medium and small things that get me. Here is what I can think of right now. Hopefully this list will not be long.

I'm afraid...

• that I will die and my mom will discover just how in debt I am
• that my girls memory of me from their childhood will be solely of me laying in bed with a headache
• of planning activities because when the time comes I might have a headache and not feel like going and will either have to wimp out and cancel or force my way through it
• of making enemies
• of something bad happening to one of my girls (especially some tragic accident that is my fault)
• that I will be one of those people you see on 60 Minutes - doing any thing I should have known not to do - hence I am afraid to step out on a limb or do anything that could be secretly video taped
• that I am flunking this whole "mom" thing (and don't get me started on wife, homemaker, etc)
• to kill bugs because their friends/family might seek revenge on me - seriously, although I have gotten better since becoming a parent and I have my own peeps to defend (I just tell the bug really loudly "God gave me dominion over you!" - because if you watch kids movies, you know that all bugs speak English (sometimes with funny accents))
• that I will never be polished or professional enough to really succeed at work or be taken seriously
• that I will never find my true gift and feel like I am serving God exactly as He designed me to (I know I was born to sing and dance, but I am not a dancer or a singer, which is fine for my Audience of One, but what about the rest of the time?)
• of people judging me and of what people think of me
• that I will not be a good advocate for my kids, especially Kaylie as she learns how her special self harmonizes with this crazy world
• that I will not adequately do my part in discipling my children and raising them to weigh everything they hear/read/see against what they know to be TRUTH

Not necessarily all in tune with the theme, true, but what comes to my mind when I think of what I am afraid of. And all probably stuff I need to turn to God about in one way or the other.

For now, this is all I have to say about this. But in 5 minutes, I am sure I will think of something else.